Standing ovation

written: 7/15/09

Took a nap when I got home from work, and was awaken by a symphony from NYC streets. I unknowingly had a first row seat to a performance from an old school car with a pimped out alarm and the vocal stylings of two men "conversing" right outside my first floor window. Ah, who needs ambiance music when you have such soothing sounds at your disposal? Trust me, they got a standing ovation...

Luckily, some people are around when needed....@ dawn.... A chill convo and three hours later, I'm wide awake laughing @ infomercials and enjoying an apple.

Alone time+post conversation mental stimulation= random thoughts.

What's this? I have time to write? Seize the 4am-ish moment!

Curiosity's rhetorical offspring:

*How important are the comments of those important people in your life? In other words, how much of an impact does the opinion of a loved one (may it be a close friend or family member) have on your decisions?

*Why don't more people face the fear of singledom?

*Why is it assumed that women are always relationship ready/prone?

*What really matters to you @ the end of the day?

*Why do people tend to primarily focus on the negative aspect of a situation? For example, your boss says, I've gotta talk to you, & people immediately think they are in for a bad meeting.

*What's the last personal realization you dawned upon?

*Was that meticulous enough?

*When is selfishness justified, if at all?

There's a lot more where that came from but those are questions around the recurring themes of many of my recent interactions and continued adventure to self discovery. The more personal developments I experience, the more questions arise.

I like questions because they lead to unknown territory & sometimes they force you to find the answer. But just having them shows that you are paying attention.

Well I hope this give you a randomness fix, hasta luego.

KidZ

Many things on my mind.

First, I've noticed, at the risk of sounding redundant, that children of color plagued by poverty in NY don't get the chance to be children.

**this is not to minimize or in any way take away from the very adult like situations they are exposed to: abuse, domestic violence, criminal exposure, financial strain, broken homes etc etc.

But allow me to process my thoughts...

I'll gear this toward females since its what I'm most exposed to. With sickening frequency, I witness too many little girls/adolescents wearing too much make up and not enough clothing, their immature minds trying to catch up with women-type issues and situations, idolizing everything except education, accomplished women and hard work. Not experiencing honesty-ever.

Talkin, actin, like they grown, but ask them to pronounce pizza or to mention the last book they read that wasn't from the Zhane series-its like someone pushed the mute/corny button. For example, my 14 year old, light skinned, waist length pocahontas type hair dominican intern has a nick name for african americans: "changas, because the look like chimpanzees". *cringes. This church going bright 14 year old never walked into my office without eye liner and matching jordans. SMH.

Or how about my 14 year old witty cousin who had the abortion and gets drunk @ parties, and hates "black girls cuz black girls hate her?"

Or what about my 18 year old cousin who graduated high school almost 2 years ago and has made no other moves?

Pero ask them wat omegas new song is and who isn't talking to who on the block.

Oh...and GOD 4bid I speak properly around them "why u actin so white?!"

What about the 15 three-12 year olds hanging on my stoop till dawn...all the time?!!?

Why is it that the more educated u become it feels like the less u can identify with your people? Lemme try to get them to read "infidel" or to the enjoy a day @ the museum unless there's papis there.

What is the determining factor to induce development among people like my cousins and the youth I encounter in my hood 24/7 so that they snapp outta the poverty mind set/ behavior?

What made me socially conscious and my sister mad ignorant toward other cultures and society: "eso cocolo! Yo no me meto con uno!"

Why after being educated am I much more judge mental of them? Because all of the above were judgments. What makes me expect more of them?

What happened to playing dolls and following rules? What happened to not shaving/doing your eye brows until 15 or older? What happened to curfews, asking permission and castigos when rules were broken? What about acting your age and holding on to your youth?

It makes me sad to see wasted potential and little adults. Maybe spending more time with them will help me understand? Let's try that one day mengggg.

Anyway, much more on this topic but ill leave it at that, I hope to blog one day with more answers than questions.

~for da' kidz!
~Yo

Gracia Amigito (a) (in little dominican girl voice)

I've been meaning to write this entry for a minute.

I

Have

Amazing

Friends

Punto.

Not to be confused with acquaintances, colleagues or boos.

I mean Friends. I'm talking about the person who will sit in the ER with you all night or the person who will call u 50 times 2 find out if u r ok cuz ur in the ER, the person who will just come over to simply talk about assholes, or sleep over. The ones that will stress their life to plan an amazing birthday week and the friend that will tell you when you're coming out your face and set you straight. The person that will leave a cupcake on your desk after seeing you physically react to your job. Ur bestest.

The ones that will make fun of your outfit and praise your intelligence or accomplishments in the same sentence. The one that you don't have to impress. The friend you call/email/hitup/gtalk/FB/ms/aim/text subconsciously and with no reminders even though u just called/emailed/hitup/gtalked/FBd/msd/aimed/texted them.

I hope you know I speak of the person that will let u wear their clothes, crash @ their place, mooch from their stuff. The one that will allow themselves be vulnerable enough to ask for help with serious problems and offer help in the same situation. The one that will pay for dinner, sit by the water fountain for hours with you and work on the friendship while simultaneously genuinely ignoring their romantic feelings for you. The one that would always come thru on a favor for u no matter how inconvenient it is for them. The one that will stay up all night with you, listening to show theme songs like the teenage mutant ninja turtles and walking in the rain to then suffer with you the next day @ work or in class.

The one that will be real with you no matter wat.

The one that will teach you life lessons you never thought you'd learn. The one who taught you to be okay with showing affection and the words "I love you." The one that fed and clothed you when u had no food or clothing, almost daily. The one that unconditionally laughs at all of your jokes and makes fun of u when they are not funny. The one who bbms u when they are on the crapper. The one who selflessly gives an ear, a ride, and themselves. The one that will deposit $ in your account when your stranded in Albany or "forget" u owe them for that laptop u bought from them. Your wing man and twat swatter when need be. The one that will always ask if you had dinner and about your family. The one that keeps your deepest darkest secrets.

The one that doesn't judge and has only your best interest at heart.

Yep, That Friend. I'm blessed to have that friend in a few people and hope you all get to experience a friend like that. I wrote this entry as my friends came to mind. Scattered thoughts and strongly linked to deep emotion and gratitude. Amigito, graaaaaaaacia. :)

-Pura Vida Mae!!

Have you made someone blush lately?

I was on my way to the bus to get to work today and a man says "Good morning gorgeous" and proceeded to hand me a single long stem red rose (My FAVORITE!). I am CHEEESIN...hard and say thank you in a pleasantly surprised voice. I was embarrassed and blushing-jes he made a darkie blush! I did not provide, nor intended to, digits or any form of repayment nor did he request any (GUAO!). He saw me waiting for the bus and then comes back and said, this one is much prettier for you and he switches it for a lovelier white rose, again no request for anything. Cue in big ass grin.

That
Made

My Day.

Thank you random gentleman that has led me to believe that chivalry is on life support and not dead! That single unexpected act had me in a GREAT mood the entire day and I was LOVING my rose. I was able to work better, deal with more crisis better and be more productive. I then realized that a good friend and coworker was having a rough day with a family emergency so I decided to pay it forward and left the rose in her seat with a note that included details of how I ended up with the rose (I wasn't going to front like I bought it):

Desk phone rings; shaky voice: Thanks Manis, I really needed that and it made my day. Thank you Higher Being for giving me the opportunity to make someone feel the way I felt.

So go! Make someone Blush!...wat are you waiting for!

...still cheesing!

...more questions than answers...

Thank you Carmen Sandiego...where do you find these things?!!!



This video provided valuable insight towards self discovery: I had an interesting conversation with a friend after we read the article about the girl in government who got fired for her overly racist statements on Facebook. I am definitely weary of what I say and couldn't help but think: Have I said anything here that may negatively impact my life whether its now or in the future?? Although my words here aren't meant to be offensive, I must protect myself. It saddens me that I have to maintain anonymity on here for several reasons such as unforeseen professional consequences. You just never know. I hope for the best.

Any who, the questions: 'are people of color being too sensitive or not sensitive enough about race and racism (funny how oppression never comes up)' were also part of our conversation . There was a time when I was in grad school que yo estaba insoportable con "its because I'm black" this, and "that was so racist I refuse to watch the show" that. Just hard to explain to people that benefit from the deeply rooted systemic racism and oppression that exist in our society why my realities and observations to them are sometimes interpreted as overly sensitive without pointing the finger. Its also difficult to determine when I'm being apathetic to an obviously racist and oppressive act. The balance is what I'm trying to find. Seems like a Life Long task. Vamos a vei!

-Siganme a lo Bueno!- El Chapulin Colorado (my main mannn)

healthy fear

Went to a wake to support a hurting friend and of course many thoughts were left on my mind.

Death and dying are just topics I'm not good @. Death and dying aka my kryptonite (pun intended). I've never experienced the loss of someone that I was close with so I just don't know how to act in these situations. I do, however, know that I care for my friend so I went. The shared tears and hugs made up for the consoling words I lacked, and so I'm

happy I went.
Facing our mortality definitely takes you for an emotional/mental spin. Remember, the only thing that's 100%guaranteed in life is death. Scary ish.

*I couldn't help but thinking of the day mortality decides to swing by for a visit. Would I be able to cope with the loss rather normally? Or what if I loose the will to live as I've seen people do? Idk man, the permanent absence of a few people that come to mind would drastically change my life and outlook on it. I wonder how.

As mortal beings, a dangerous way to live life is as if it is never ending. We go to sleep angry, leave uncompleted tasks, withhold... emotions... thoughts... words, hoping to get the opportunity to do them when you wake the next morning. Forgetful that eternal life is not ours to live and uncertain of what the afterlife brings. *deep breath*

I fear death for those reasons exact. Leaving loved ones in mourning or having to mourn. Not being able to complete the assignment, and taking with me those emotions, thoughts and words meant for sharing. This healthy fear of death, however, allows me to hone in on the very things that matter to me.

So live life fully and morally friends. Don't be selfish with those meaningful thoughts, words...emotions. Do what you intended to do in good faith. LAUGH. You are as happy as you let yourself be.

*Pura Vida Mae!
Has luego....

deeeep breathe and exhaleeeeeeeeeeee

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

im really distracted friends. idk whats going on in my brain really. work is becoming just that: work. need to move on prontoooooooo. unfortunately, i need 2+ years of experience to get some of the jobs ive been looking at, so montra, calllma.

i am, however, studying for my license and trying to get my finances straight so that in my old age, i'm not left alone to die like some of my clients. *scary*

well...my mind has been hijacked recently and this time it brings a day long smile to my face. Helps me cope with modern day slavery.

well until i have something insightful to share...ciao